Do you feel less like yourself?

During our postpartum visit, my doula asked me if I felt less like myself than before the baby was born. I think it was a postpartum depression screening question. I immediately answered that, yes I felt like myself. But later, I started thinking about how strange a question it was. What woman, a week or two after giving birth to her first child, feels just like the same person she was before her baby was born? And, in fact, I felt very little like myself at all in the month or so after Mabel was born. Since then, some traces of me have been slowly returning, but I don't think it would be entirely truthful to say I feel like my old self. But I don't necessarily think this is a bad thing.

Before Mabel was born, I had always imagined myself to be a very modern woman. Lots of people talk about how to maintain your own identity when you have a kid. I had lunch today with a woman who has an 8 week old and is dying to go back to work. I think she must feel a lot like herself. And maybe she has done a better job than I have of maintaining her identify postpartum. Pehaps it would be healthier for me to put more effort into spending time away from Mabel, and not letting myself get lost in the world of motherhood. But if there's one thing I've learned from becoming a parent it's that everyone is different.

A common piece of advice after having a baby is to continue doing activities that you enjoyed before your child was born. Sometimes, that's just not possible. There are lots of things I used to do before Mabel that I don't do anymore. And honestly, I don't terribly miss most of them. Except riding a bike. I have to admit, it is the one thing I have really pined for since Mabel was born. Today was the first real bike ride I went on since Mabel was born . . . and I loved it. It was such a strange experience - like a flashback into time. I did feel somewhat liberated. Even being out of practice, the hills were still easier without the extra 25 pounds of baby, placenta, etc. Strangely enough, I saw 2 people on my ride whom I haven't seen since before I was pregnant. Both were only vague acquaintances, so I simply waved and rode on. I thought about how weird it was that as far as they knew, I was the same person I was a year ago. A part of me almost felt scared that I would forget about Mabel, because I really did feel like my old self. But I didn't. I came home and felt glad to be with my daughter again. And it may be a while before I go on another bike ride. But honestly, that's okay.