Neurotic Mom Rant

Okay, I know, this is nowhere near as interesting as pictures and videos of Mabel doing exciting things but my computer has a horrible virus, and I haven't really been taking many pics anyway (because I am a bad mom), so all you Babymabele addicts will have to settle for this instead. Fear not: there is a feature film coming in installments with an utterly adorable star to make up for my lameness in not posting enough pics.

So, you'll have to forgive me for this. I think being a new mom has made me shockingly more honest than I was before. Especially around other new moms. No wonder I never did get a nanny job - it's like I might as well be telling these women, I'd love to watch your child, but you should know that the outlets in my house are uncovered, Mabel has fallen off the couch, and today I took a shower upstairs, while Mabel sat naked on a mat downstairs, about 2 feet from our brick fireplace.

Anyway, new motherhood is annoying me lately. Gasp, I know. I have heretofore been all rosey, and been going on about how great it is, but it's finally taking its toll. And believe me, it's not Mabel. I totally lucked out in the baby department and still adore her more than anything. But... this whole being a mom thing is starting to wear me out a bit. It might just be because a lot of kind of shitty things have happened to me lately, but the truth is, there just isn't a good system of support in place.

What I gained most from my seemingly fruitless search for nannying jobs is some insight into just how freaking hard it is to have a kid in this modern world. There's no village with women and children everywhere all together, and your entire family within walking distance. Instead, we live in a culture that tells us we need more than we can sustain and where only the rich can have a comfortable life with one income earner. I mean let me say, that I probably would love this SAHM thing if we were loaded. If I didn't have to look for work or stress about money, and I could take Mabel to baby music class and baby yoga class and stroller power class (with my fancy aerodynamic jogging stroller) and pay a sitter so I could go get a manicure, and have a mom or sister down nearby who I could just drop Mabel off with whenever I needed a break, it would probably be a breeze. Ok, still not even a breeze, but a generally nice lifestyle. But that's just not the reality for me, or 99.9% of the rest of this country. Instead most of us have to work at least a little. And we're faced with hard decisions like, do I work full time where I won't get to see my kid much and I'll feel like a "part time parent" but at least build a solid future for her and make full time daycare fees worth it? Or do I go back part time, so I can keep my resume in shape, and maintain the benefits that I now really need because I have a kid, and have some satisfaction outside of the home, but wind up breaking even between my earnings and what I'd have to pay for daycare? Or do I scramble to find something that allows me to not have to pay for daycare at all, but leaves me exhausted because I'm always either working or taking care of my baby, so I never get a break and barely have the energy to play with him because really I just want him to take a nap. It is not easy. And we just don't live in a culture that's very supportive of having kids.

And then there's so much commercial bullshit that really gets a hold of even resistant people like me, because they have us at the most vulnerable point in our life. I mean, I was always a little insecure, but now just remotely subtly, absurdly imply that I am not a good mom and I will cry. I promise you I will. And I'm so sensitive about it, that you could even tell me that I am not a good mom because I don't have the Robeez that everyone else has because I think it's ridiculous to spend $30 on shoes when they're not even walking yet, and I would believe you. And I would cry.

And then of course this commercial problem leads to the problem of staying at home v. work. Whenever a mom tells me she wishes she could stay at home, I have to wonder, do you mean you CAN'T stay at home, or that you'd have to radically modify your lifestyle to stay at home? Is that so you can have a fancy crib and a charming nursery. And I don't mean to criticize, because we may have 5 people living in a 2 bedroom house and a cheap porto-crib with a paperthin mattress (which does make me a bad mom), but I still shop at Whole Foods and Sevananda and we still occasionally blow way too much money on dinner. So we all have things we don't want to give up. And why should we have to, just because we have children?

Anyway, I'm mostly just babbling because it's what I do best. I should go because I've been neglecting Mabel while writing this because I am a bad mom.